what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
