ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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