I cannot find my penis.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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