I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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