I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
