Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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