Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
