But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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