Don't you send me to vm
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
