i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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