Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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