All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
