Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
