There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
