Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
