I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
