I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
