cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
FUCK WHALES
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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