I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
COCAINE IS GR8
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
