I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
