i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
