did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
