hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
