I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
