Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Welp...herpes.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
