i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
