he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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