Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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