May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Randomize