come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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