My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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