who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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