you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
