If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
