Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
