and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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