i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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