Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
