god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
and you fell through a lawn chair
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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