she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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