I want to have your abortion
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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