Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I love you.
Bad choice
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
