Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
