I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
there was a trapeze. enough said
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
