She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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