I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Couch. On fire.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
false alarm, still single
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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