Where is the hickey?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
