Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works