I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.