he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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