God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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