I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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