Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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